I don”t usually do this, but walking home in the middle of the night from having a good time with friends makes one introspective, thoughtful in a way that many other things don’t. The fresh air and the exercise gets the brain walking.
In addition to just random thoughts about things, I came upon a few truths about myself that I hadn’t fully acknowledged before. Before I go into talking about myself on a level I normally don’t disclose to other souls, I have to explain that I really almost never am open about my deepest feelings.
I would like to consider myself a friendly person who has a ready smile and whose home and friendship constantly welcome new people into it. I love meeting, and talking, and debating, and socialising… But I also like to be alone. I do not get lonely, though I might become more reclusive when I spend time with myself.
As friendly and ready to talk as I am, I do not form deep relationships easily. I can be a good friend, but I rarely feel I can share everything with any one person. Even when it comes to my own sisters, I do not feel like should or could tell everything about myself.
I trust people, but how deep does that trust truly go, I cannot tell. I know I would give my life for any of my friends and family, and I know many who would do the same. But it’s quite other to give one’s life and share one’s hearts deepest secrets with a living person.
Is it wrong to say that I do not feel ready to tell anyone about all of me, to trust any living person with all my secrets and side?
It seems like an impossible feat I cannot, and almost do not wish to achieve.
Whatever the reason for my reticence, it rarely bothers me. Even know I am not haunted or plagued by this, just wondering and maudlin as one gets in the middle of the night when one has time to stop and think about life, the universe and everything.