How I Found My Way Back To Living

So, I haven’t ever quite told my story, not really revealed to even myself the scope what I was going through last year. It seems to me those around me noticed, tried to tell me in different ways and words, but I didn’t realise it or didn’t want to see. I don’t really know which it was, or was it a combination of both wilful ignorance and self-denial.

Whatever kept me from facing my demons, it is not the focus any more.

What happened last year requires some background story of who I am and where I come from.

I am the first of five children of a Finnish American family. My family is Christian, my parents are both newly born Christians and me and my siblings grew up in a Christian household. The first years of my life, we went to an international church in the capital of Finland when we moved out to a small village at the eve of my first grade. There we started going to the local Lutheran church. My father stopped going, since he didn’t know the language and unlike most new churches in bigger cities, no interpretation was offered. Eventually even we stopped going as diesel prices went up.

In my early school years, I was bullied, among other things, for my faith. I am also the sibling who, to my shame, did not defend my younger siblings from being bullied when they attended the same school a couple of years later. By then, I was no longer bullied, I had friends, I fit in.

As I grew up, I never abandoned believing in Jesus or stopped thinking of myself as other than Christian, but I was lukewarm, I was silent about my faith. I fit in, I had friends. Nothing changed when my parents sent me to a Christian boarding school in eighth and ninth grade because they wanted me to have more Christian influences around me, more Christian friends. I just ended up being really bored at the mandatory services and Bible study. There was so much more I could be doing, I thought.

In high school, my friends and I never spoke about faith and religion. We were more interested in politics and history. Since I studied mostly social science and history, I followed the news daily and felt anxious about wanting to make the world better. I had grandiose plans of becoming a lawyer of international law. In the end, I lacked follow through and did not get into the programmes I had applied to after high school. I was always a conscientious student, the bookworm, but after high school ended, I was tired.

In the autumn of 2013, I moved to Sweden to work as an au pair as a leap year activity. I ended up in a wonderful family with which I am still in contact with and visit a couple of times a year. They are, as I call them, my Swedish family. After my year was drawing to a close, I realised it would be much easier to get into university in Sweden with my grades than in Finland. You see, I had high grades, but the extraneous entrance exams that Finnish universities require from their applicants tripped me up. There are no specific entrance exams in Sweden, fill the requirements and you’re in.

So I applied and got into a university in a town on the Eastern side of Sweden, an hour out from Stockholm. So I moved and attended. I had a good time. I fit in, though I became more vocal about identifying as a Christian. There was a weekly Bible study group that I began attending, but I still hadn’t found a church that I wanted to visit regularly, I also did not want to give my weekends to waking up early to go to church. This began my two year journey back to the Lord.

During my university years, I had my first ever relationship. This relationship lasted one and half years and ended soon after we had moved in together. Looking back, I should have listened to my mother and not done so. She told me that statistically, it was more likely for couples that move in together never to marry and to break up. Furthermore, this was of course against everything I knew from the Bible. But as a smart young person, I decided to go with my own interpretation and be damned.

The end of the relationship led me to move to the capital of Sweden to be closer to my job and away from the town I felt was home now. It was also away from my former significant other. I did visit my friends certain weekends and on one of these occasions in early October 2016, I attended their church.

I have no recollection on who was speaking or what the sermon was about, but during that service I heard a strong calling to move back and change my life and to come back to the Lord, I left in tears. It had a profound impact on me, whatever it was that the topic was that evening.

This led to me finding an apartment and moving back. I was baptised in February 2017, as I had decided to take Jesus into my heart truly and become newly born in his name. I loved it and it still is wonderful, but the rest of 2017 was filled with shadow and struggling.

My year started with hope and purpose. As a person, I say yes to a lot of things. I want to help and serve and do my part. This was the first time I felt the need and want to do this in a church. So immediately I was serving in three teams, I was working full time and studying part-time. My time was full, I filled my time with social engagements. Almost all my evenings and days were occupied with some event or another. And it worked, for a couple of months.

Then I crashed.

I was drained of energy, I would cry almost every day because of the exhaustion I was feeling. Yet instead of taking time, I pushed on. I convinced myself that this was ridiculous, other people have it worse. I am so blessed, I have a job and church, I live in a safe Western country. I have friend and family who love me, I am saved.

Yet I cried and felt crushed. I pushed people away, becoming hermit like. I even had a time I refused to greet my closest friends, because I knew I was on the verge of breaking down all the time. I had a picture to maintain: I am happy, there is nothing, but joy in my life. No, I’m just tired, don’t worry. I should be able to do more, I should have the energy to do more.

I should, I must, I am.

My family and friends showed concern for me, but it wasn’t until several months of crying, unhappiness, darkness, loneliness and anxiety that something broke through to me. Again, I can’t remember quite what it was, but it helped.

Slowly, I began forgiving myself for needing to rest, for taking time, for not serving as much as in the beginning of the year, for not going to each and every service. I gave myself permission to be what I perceived as wrongfully selfish, but realised was necessary for my mental health.

Then, in the beginning of this year, a new group of young adults began meeting at my church weekly. We spoke of calling, and our stories. We have food, good teaching and we meet together. Somehow, this lifted me up much more than anything before. It has given me focus and energy back that I hadn’t completely realised I had missed. I am more at peace than I have ever been before.

This is not miracle cure, meeting people of my own age in a church group, but it has helped me forward in my healing. I still struggle. There are several times a day, a week that I can feel the worry and the dissatisfaction of my own performance creeping up into my thought, but I am starting, more often than not, to be able to say no, stay back, I am loved, and I am good as I am.

There are so many ways to tell this same story about my life and my personal struggle to overcome the depression I was in last year. Much of it stems from my own difficulty to do certain things, emotionally. But that’s another essay, another story, for another time. As I finish this piece of my story, I want to leave you with the thought:

My journey is not over, it never will be, but I have risen from one of the dark valleys of my life.

9/11 the infamous date (from 2011)

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m just… mad. No real reason for it, I think. Today is my 17th birthday. Yes, today, on the 10th anniversary of 9/11, probably the biggest terrorist attack in modern and world history. I should be happy. I should be elated. Probably.

Still, when I see the “happy birthday” sentiments on Facebook which I normally love, my anger deepens. My sister also wished me a happy birthday this morning even though I expressly told them yesterday: no wishing! I was enraged at her. She said I ruined her day. Its not her day, so I don’t care. If it was her birthday, I wouldn’t act against her wishes ruining her birthday.

She is who she is.

I know I’m being selfish, but I just can’t help going on not thinking about all those people who died that sad day in 2001, and all their relatives and friends who survived. And all those firefighters, policemen and paramedics who became heroes that day. The finest of New York, and the finest of the USA. I believe if it would of happened anywhere in America, the local authorities would of done the same thing.

My father is from Texas. He came to Finland while the Soviet Union still looked like it could hang on forever to study Russian and Soviet politics. He came to study in he university of Finland’s capital, Helsinki, which had the leading Soviet Union research facility in the world at the time. Helsinki also used to be called the city of spies, since we were a “free” country right on the border. More about that some other time. This is just a preface to me saying, I live in Western Finland and I have and American and a Finnish citizenship.

I remember vaguely my 7th birthday, when IT happened. It was a Tuesday, I was on first grade. We had just moved to where we live now about over a month ago right before school began around the 10th of August. I had come home from school and I was doing something in our living room. It was directly connected to my parents’ office. He was looking at something interesting on the Internet, so I went over and asked: “What is that?” It was the World Trade Center twin towers in New York billowing a lot of smoke. It must of been a bit over 9 o’clock which means it would’ve been around 5pm in Finland.

I don’t remember what my father told me had happened. Maybe it was that airplanes had crashed in to the skyscrapers. I vaguely remember understanding that it was a horrible thing that had happened. Feeling like my birthday was ruined. I only later got to know that there were also two other planes. The one that hit the Pentagon and the other that crash landed in a field thanks to the courageous acts of those in the plane.

This sounds horrible, but I am feeling better now. I didn’t know any of the people that died that day, I don’t know any of the people who survived. I just have read and heard about them. It didn’t ever effect me personally. What am I mad at other people about? The people around me didn’t know them either. It was a horrible tragedy. Nobody can deny it, but the fact is: I have lived in Finland all my life and I have never visited New York. The beginning of this month I have only been aggravated a) that they have spoken about in the Finnish media so much before the actual day leaving nothing and b) they are building new WTC skyscrapers and one of them is 1776 feet high, symbolic of the year USA became Independent. Admirable, defiant and stupid! That is definitely going to be a target!

Other events on September 11th that are hitting the big zeros:

470 years ago in 1541 – Santiago, Chile, is destroyed by indigenous warriors, led by Michimalonko

90 years ago in 1921 – Nahalal, the first moshav in Palestine, is settled as part of a Zionist plan to colonize Palestine and creating a Jewish state, later to be Israel

80 years ago in 1931 – Salvatore Maranzano is murdered by Charles Luciano’s hitmen

70 years ago in 1941 – Ground is broken for the construction of The Pentagon, and Charles Lindbergh’s Des Moines Speech accusing the British, Jews and the Roosevelt administration of pressing for war with Germany

50 years ago in 1961 – Foundation of the World Wildlife Fund, and Hurricane Carla strikes the Texas coast as a Category 4 hurricane, the second strongest storm ever to hit the state

40 years ago in 1971 – The Egyptian Constitution becomes official

And people hitting the zeros:

400 years – 1611 – Turenne, 3rd Marshal General of France (d. 1675) 300 years – 1711 – William Boyce, English composer (d. 1779) 100 years – 1911 – Bola de Nieve, Cuban pianist (d. 1971)

Interesting death was on this date in 1971 – Nikita Sergeevich Khrushchev, Soviet politician and leader, and he was born exactly a 100 years, 5 months and 8 days before me on April 3rd, 1894. I was born in 1994.

Homo Computatrums and Others

There has been a twenty to thirty year development or seamless transition that has changed the world enormously. This period is called originally when it started from the middle to the end of the 1980s the Information Revolution. This revolution was caused by:

a) the 11/9 or the falling of the Berlin Wall,

b) computers,

c) the Internet and WWW (Word Wide Web)

d) user-friendliness of web browsers (Mosaic/Netscape), and

e) the dot com boom, or major investment in fibre optics.

As Thomas L. Friedman writes in his book The World Is Flat (1.0 – 3.0 or 2004 – 2007) this all lead to the so called Flat Age. The transition from Information Revolution to Flat Age was seamless, because the other would not exist without the other.

This transition, as I would call it, has gone two ways amongst my generation, the first true digital generation, born in 1994. These two ways are total opposites of each other. They can be called orders or races in a sense. As the medieval people were called homo religiosus and the Renaissance man as homo universalis, I see myself belonging to the homo topicus or current human race. Homo topicus basically means interested in news and what is happening currently in the world like the EU financial crisis that is spreading like wildfire.

The other “race” is homo amittere intelligentia or the man who loses his intelligence. What could be added to this is per media visus or per internet, since the use of visual media by young children had depleted their literacy. The Internet contributes to this, because most youth don’t spend their time reading news, but playing games and writing simple English to friends through the social media outlets, like Facebook.

Amongst the youth homo amittere intelligentia per media visus is an increasing majority and thehomo topicus a depleting minority. This is a problem since the information hungry people are needed more than lazy men that use the Internet only to consume entertainment. Actually, logic says that the lazy men aren’t needed at all, but this is an impossible goal since there are always people that are like this.

The development of the division of this two “races” depends much on the country. Even though the flat world, as Friedman says in his book, gives developing countries great opportunities to develop, many experts say there is also the danger that the cultures of the world get homogenized. A level of homogenization has already happened. Almost anywhere you go in the world, the youth is the same. They wear the same clothes, speak of the same things, act the same way. This has come through, yes, the flattening of the world. The most appealing parts of society has migrated around the world and have become the common practice.

Nobody is going to deny that the Internet has made accessing news from all over the world and from many points of views overwhelmingly easy. News has transformed from the privilege of newspapers to free commodities. So, one wonders why homo amittere intelligentia is increasing instead of the homo topicus. You don’t have to be the well-educated child of a rich family to be able to take part in politics. Now, you only need a computer and a modem, as Friedman says.

I see myself this development:

When the Internet was new the traditional homo topicus rejected it and continued with their newspapers and the normal humans just continued on with their lives, but the new race of homo computatrum (or geeks) embraced it and developed it. They saw the opportunities of the Internet. As using computers became easier and easier thanks to the coding skills of the geeks, the normal humans were overwhelmed and didn’t know what to do with the new world of computers. Still, they had to learn, and quickly, since more and more services moved to be part of the new world, the virtual world.

The youth immediately caught on with homo computatrums and gradually the normal people followed. The youth didn’t yet understand how revolutionary the tool they were using could be, and the normal people didn’t want to understand. So, the Internet started mainly to be the channel of entertainment. Videos, music, pictures ect. Later on, the youth grew and became thehomo topicus of the news industry and got a new generation of youth. With their children they suddenly realized what the potential of the Internet was. This lead to the dot com boom and to the news is free standard that seems to be taken as granted.

The normal people became the homo amittere intelligentia race that didn’t understand and kept on with the entertainment part of the new world. The world was (and is) changing too fast for them, but as schools catch on to the modern world and see that things need to be taught a new way, the portion of the homo topicus race is increasing slowly, but surely.

We are all homo computatrums now. By the definition of the 1980s/1990s we are very geeky people. But we are not all homo topicus which seems to be where we are heading. One large reason why this development is so slow, is because the development of schools is very slow. Before teachers can learn how to teach a different way, the teachers of the teachers need to teach the teacher a different way. This means that everything has to change, and the only way to change is to teach new ways to old dogs hoping they will learn the new tricks and teach them to the young dogs.

The definition of homo universalis, which meant “Jack-of-all-trades”, is changing. It will change to mean the man of the world and homo ex communi cultura, a man of the common culture. And this is all possible, because of the Flat Age.

Here and Now

Nothing else matters than the present.

The whole world lives in this same moment, same time.

The future does not matter and the past has nothing to give.

This is the way the world of today thinks, a world that is beginning to forget the World Wars and doesn’t believe in the catastrophe of climate change any more. O, they have spoken of the same thing for years now, thinks the modern man and is right, because the world is full of doomsday prophets who weren’t believed in the times past either. But here and now -type living take the world’s attention away from its problems. If everything is well for the rich of the western world and the only causes of death are overweight and old age, everything is right in the world all though in reality millions of children keep quiet of their hunger every day and die away and millions of people live in tents on the borders of countries running away from unnatural death.

But a human can’t look around himself and into the future and past too much because otherwise he would become mad. He would feel guilty for living in abundance when others suffer. This is why humans look at small bits of the world at a time and by looking at those small bits he can concentrate better. It is natural for a human to help others by giving from what is theirs. When many do small things those small things become something big.

Everybody should look at the world openly and notice those in need. If you help them here and now they might just be able to get there lives back on track and pay it forward.

Why Severus Snape Had To Die

The death of Severus Snape broke my heart. I wanted him to live and still do, but lately I have come to think the reasons behind the death of this favourite of many so called Potterheads. I came to the very simple conclusion that the character would have not worked.

For Severus Snape to have been able to live his life would have had to have been very much different from what it was since before he was born. Severus Snape was born the 9th of January 1960 to Tobias Snape and Eileen Snape (née Prince). Not much is known of his parents or his childhood other than that his mother was a pure blood witch and his father was a Muggle. They were a couple that fought constantly and paid little attention to their son’s welfare. Snape is described in his childhood to have worn clothes so big and mixed that it seemed almost deliberate. The Snape family was poor living in an industrial area in a place called Cokeworth. We know that Tobias Snape was a man of a sour disposition towards life “not liking much anything, especially magic” as Snape said.

This brings me to the first fundamental aspect of his life that makes it impossible for Severus Snape to have survived the Second Wizarding War: a broken home. I think this depended greatly on the characteristics of his father. Snape preferred his mother. This indicates that she took at least some care of her son. Hence Snape’s self appointed nickname the Half-Blood Prince. Perhaps with a happier attitude towards his wife and son Tobias Snape would have helped Snape to grow into a completely different person.

This plays directly into understanding Snape’s aversion to showing emotion and considering people who did so weak. I personally agree with this assessment, all though others would say that it actually takes a lot of strength to show emotion. Still maybe without his parents’ constant arguing, a display of emotion, it would have not been necessary in Snape’s mind to bottle up his own. As a child he might have felt like a reason for more fighting, a reaction common to children of dysfunctional families.

The whole being of Severus Snape is defined by his unfailing love towards Muggle-born witch and his dearest childhood friend Lily Evans. The two met a few years before they got their letters inviting them to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. From the moment Snape laid eyes on Lily Evans his destiny was set since they met at the age of nine when the basic mental map of a human, especially self confidence, has developed.

There are still a few things that had the possibility of changing the course Snape was set on, however unlikely they might be at this time. They all involve Lily Evans. These possibilities include the two being sorted into the same house which would have possibly kept them closer than when they were separated into Gryffindor and Slytherin, two very opposing houses. The other options are ones mentioned by J.K. Rowling herself.

The First Wizarding War broke out around the same time Snape and Lily began school in Hogwarts. Snape hanged out with a gang of Slytherins who would eventually become Death Eaters, the followers of Lord Voldemort. These friends included Avery and Mulciber, some of the most notorious Death Eaters. Snape’s fascination with the Dark Arts and longing to be part of a larger group due to his almost completely friendless life put a great strain on his friendship with Lily. It is said by J.K Rowling that part of Severus Snape’s fascination of the Dark Arts was because he thought Lily would admire him more if he became a real Death Eater. If he would have realised that Lily’s disgust towards the Dark Arts was genuine, a point she vocalised several times to Severus, she might have fallen romantically in love with him. The future: Severus and Lily Snape, possibly with children. A very delicious thought, but very perfect and poetic leaving Snape’s character profoundly contrary to what we know.

This strain on the friendship of Lily and Severus lead to what we know being as his worst memory. This memory is set at Lily’s and Severus’ fifth year right after their Defense Against the Dark Arts O.W.L. where the students go to the yard to relax. Snape is reviewing the questions of the test, James Potter and his three friends, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, are under a tree a small distance away from Snape and Lily is on the lakeside with her friends. Suddenly James Potter decides to pick on Snape who they have nicknamed Snivellus. James Potter turns Snape around in the air disarming him of his wand. Lily notices this and rushes to stop James Potter, but Snape who never wants to appear as weak or a coward, calls Lily a Mudblood. This was a major turning point in their relationship. Later the same evening Snape tries to beg Lily for forgiveness which she is refuses unless he stop conversing with Mulciber, Avery etc. This confrontation split the close friendship and maybe without it the gap could have been repaired or they would have drifted apart slower.

James Potter’s rivalling love towards Lily was a factor that lead to what we know from the seven Harry Potter books. Sirius Black once told Harry that Snape was always a special case to James. This shows that he had a certain awareness of Snape’s affections towards Lily. It could be argued that without this awareness the rivalry between James Potter and Severus Snape would have been more humane, more on the level of which the rivalry between Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy was in which the two were able to put aside most of their differences in their adulthood.

Through the talent of hiding his emotions and being extremely gifted in the art of Occlumency Snape became the most powerful weapon and double spy to Hogwarts’ Headmaster Albus Dumbledore who used his love towards Lily against Voldemort. It was Voldemort’s own mistake and lack of understanding that turned one of his most trusted advisors against him. Voldemort’s decision was the last to set Snape on the sure track to his death the very final one being Dumbledore’s request for Snape to kill him instead of Draco Malfoy in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince.

Part of the death of Lily Potter (née Evans) was arguably Snape’s fault. He was the one to deliver the first part of Sybill Trelawney’s prophecy to Voldemort who then decided who the prophecy was about of the two possibilities (Neville Longbottom and Harry Potter). Voldemort, as we know, decided that the prophecy was about Harry Potter. It is widely thought that this was because Voldemort recognised himself in Harry Potter who was a half-blood just as he was when on the other hand Neville Longbottom was a pureblood.

Snape delivering the message to Voldemort and Sirius Black insisting that the keeper of the Fidelius Charm protecting the Potter family would be Peter Pettigrew whose loyalties turned out to be to Voldemort were crucial turning points in the First Wizarding War. Without Pettigrew revealing the secret to Voldemort and Lily’s sacrifice to save her son Voldemort might never have been defeated.

There is a rumour that J.K. Rowling has said that when Lily died she was pregnant with her second child and that she had convinced her husband to make peace with Severus Snape even to the point that they were going to ask him to be the child’s godfather. There is no telling if this is true, but it brings out more interesting points for speculating about what could have changed and possibly not lead to Snape’s death on May 2nd 1998. What if Voldemort would have not been defeated? What if Voldemort would have been defeated and Severus would have escaped the trip to Azkaban like many other Death Eaters and he would have become a good friend of the Potter family? What if Lily would have realised that she loved Snape instead of James Potter?

There are a million possible paths that the story could have gone down. Paths that would have taken us farther and farther away from what we know.

I would like to argue that the Harry Potter books would have not been as successful without the antagonism between the Potters and Severus Snape. Many of the characters’ loyalties were very clear even though not all the aspects of their pasts were. This was especially true with the main trio: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. Snape adds a depth to the story that allows the book to reach over age groups. In the end his character would have not had such an impact on the readers without his tragic death. Even William Shakespeare became successful with his tragically ending plays, such as Romeo and Juliet or Hamlet.

My analysis on why Severus Snape had to die might be biased, ignorant and incomplete, but if anyone’s death was ever inevitable in the after light of things it was the death of Professor Severus Snape.

A William Shakespeare quote study on the life of Severus Snape

I have gathered here some quotes from William Shakespeare whose words will live forever. I found some things that describe, at least in my own opinion, very well the character of Severus Snape.

Cowards die many times before their deaths, The valiant never taste of death but once.

— Act 2, Scene 2, Julius Caesar

In Severus Snape’s case, he at first seems like a coward for example in the last book he duels defensively against professor McGonagall even though he is a brilliant duellist. He was in sense a coward before Lily’s death. He didn’t have the courage to correct his ways to stay in Lily’s favour, but after her death he finally understood why she had not forgiven him for calling her a Mudblood. Still, there is a method to his madness and in the end it is discovered that he was the bravest man I ever knew, as Harry Potter said to his son Albus Severus Potter in 2017.

The course of true love never did run smooth.

— Act 1, Scene 1, A Midsummer Night’s Dream

What a perfect quote to describe the relationship and life of Lily Evans and Severus Snape. Severus’ life was constant turmoil, because his love towards Lily and inability to act on it and mend his ways.

The quality of mercy is not strain’d, It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven Upon the place beneath. It is twice blest: It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.

— Act 4, Scene 1, The Merchant of Venice

This is where Severus many times failed and why his relationship with Lily fell to ruin. He didn’t understand the concept of a true friendship, even though one can never deny that his friendship with Lily was true. Being sorted into Slytherin biased him very quickly even more in who are considered friends. This is shown very well in their argument in Severus’ memories where he defends his “friends” to Lily about a prank.

Severus’ friends in Slytherin, future Death Eaters, do give Severus a sense of belonging to a group, but that is the only thing that the group ever gives him, since instead like real friends, their presence in his life drives away the only person that truly cares for him.

So wise so young, they say do never live long.

— Act 3, Scene 1, Richard III

I wouldn’t exactly call Severus Snape wise, but since this quote is from Shakespeare it can be taken more figuratively. Severus was intelligent, but did indeed gather a certain amount of wiseness after Lily died by the hands of Voldemort. He had become a double agent for Dumbledore sometime before, when Voldemort had decided that Harry Potter, the son of his beloved Lily, was his adversary.

He died at the young age of 38 by the hands of Voldemort, ironically not because Voldemort had figured that Severus’ loyalties lay elsewhere, but because Severus’ deception had been so good that he had basically outwitted himself.

Or, if there were a sympathy in choice, War, death, or sickness did lay siege to it, Making it momentany as a sound, Swift as a shadow, short as any dream, Brief as the lightning in the collied night, That, in a spleen, unfolds both heaven and earth; And ere a man hath power to say “Behold!” The jaws of darkness do devour it up: So quick bright things come to confusion.

— Act 1, Scene 1, A Midsummer Night’s Dream

This quote is particularly descriptive when it comes to the Half-Blood Prince. His life was molded with war and hatred from home and around him as he and Lily went to school together. As J.K. Rowling said: Lily might have fallen romantically in love with Severus, if he hadn’t been so enthralled by the Dark Arts. The last two lines: “The jaws of darkness do devour it up:/So quick bright things come to confusion.” Severus is a very intelligent individual, but he never was good with relationships even when it came to Lily.

This confusion is clearly shown in the fact that Severus didn’t really understand how to mend his friendship with Lily and what he was doing wrong. This confusion began to subside after Voldemort had decided that Harry Potter was the target of the prophecy Severus had overheard and completely disappeared after her death, even though he was still unable to make mends by directly being friendly to Harry.

It is widely considered that the reason Severus sought after the Dark Arts and to become a Death Eater was, because he wished to become worthy of Lily. With this biased view he actually pushed her away instead of reeling her in, so to speak.

Maybe without the war things between Lily and Severus would have been different. This is a thing we will never know for sure, but we can speculate. I think even though they might have not become a couple, the major fall out of their friendship could have been avoided.

Close pent-up guilts, Rive your concealing continents, and cry These dreadful summoners grace. I am a man More sinn’d against than sinning.

— Act 3, Scene 2, The Tragedy of King Lear

How better to put how Severus Snape feels inside than the words of the tragic King Lear?

Together with all forms, moods, shapes of grief, That can denote me truly. These indeed seem, For they are actions that a man might play; But I have that within which passes show, These but the trappings and the suits of woe.

— Act 1, Scene 2, Hamlet

Like Hamlet, Severus has lost someone very dear to him and his life’s actions are to honour the memory of Lily.

Yond Cassius has a lean and hungry look, He thinks too much; such men are dangerous.

— Act 1, Scene 2, Julius Caesar

It might be that Cassius has a lean and hungry look in Shakespeare’s play, but it is also Severus Snape that thinks a lot which he hides behind bitterness and Occlumency. In the end Severus is the one to turn the course of the war with his actions. He is a very dangerous man to both sides, but his ability to hide his true feelings made him truly the most dangerous man ever. That and he had nothing to lose, since he had already lost everything.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wand’ring bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me prov’d,
I never writ, nor no man ever lov’d.

— Sonnet 116

Shakespeare’s sonnet 116 that speaks that love is not love if it alters and that love is not love if it is eternal. Need I say more about Severus Snape?

What’s gone and what’s past help Should be past grief.

— Act 3, Scene 2, Winter’s Tale

It should, shouldn’t it? How we all wish we could turn back time in some cases to fix things. This is probably to in the case of the Half-Blood Prince, but we know very well that it is impossible. The grief Severus has for Lily is so powerful it cannot be penetrated in any way, but nothing can be done to change it.